


what doesn't kill you/makes you wish you were dead

by LoveWithAGirl



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 06:32:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16989825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveWithAGirl/pseuds/LoveWithAGirl
Summary: Jester breaks."I'm scaring you?! Beau, I almost-I almost-" she's choking on it again, the scream, rage burning up her throat, "I almost died, and they left me!" She bursts into tears as she finally spits it out, buries her face in the blanket and bares her fangs and tries to muffle the ugly sounds spilling from her chest.Jester never knew she was an angry crier until now.





	what doesn't kill you/makes you wish you were dead

**Author's Note:**

> I stayed up until about 3:30 writing this after last night's episode because I'm so upset about Jester and so gratfeul to Beau for calling her out.
> 
> Those boys have some explaining to do.
> 
> This takes place the morning after ep 45!

Jester wakes up holding her breath, the next day, heart pounding and eyes flying wide open as she sits up, staring around the room to see if the dragon followed her out of her nightmare. The only thing she sees is Beau, snoring faintly into her pillow, and Jester swallows the painful knot in her throat down and climbs out of bed carefully, getting dressed as quietly as she can and slipping out the door. The nightmare chases her, another in a long line that have been happening ever since she was taken by Lorenzo, but this one has sweat cooling on Jester's body in the morning air and sending a chill through her.

It's early still, the sky just starting to lighten over the horizon, but after going to bed in the middle of the afternoon the day before Jester doesn't think she'll be able to go back to sleep. Two of the crew members are out, working on something towards the back of the ship and paying no attention to her, and Jester has a hysterical thought that if she just walked off the ship no one would know. 

"Good morning." Yasha's voice behind her is soft, hushed in the quiet of the early morning, but Jester's heart jumps into her throat and she slaps a hand over her mouth to hold back her scream as she whirls around. The other woman immediately holds out her hands in a placating gesture, concern plain across her face and her brow furrowed. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to scare you." It takes a minute for Jester to process the words through the blood rushing in her ears, but as soon as she does she drops her hand and takes a deep breath.

"It's okay! You didn't scare me, I promise. I was just startled, is all." She forces a smile onto her face as she says it, takes a step closer to Yasha and grins up at her. "Why are you up so early?"

"I was praying." Yasha drops her hands and shifts with the ship as it rocks slightly, looking both out of place and startlingly at home with the movements of the ocean. "Why are you up?"

"Oh, well, just cause, you know, I went to bed so early. That's all. I wasn't tired anymore, so I woke up, you know?" Jester keeps the smile glued on, mindfully wrapping her tail around her leg so it doesn't lash around with the restless agitation she feels. Yasha hums flatly and cocks her head to the side, eyes sweeping over Jester once before meeting her gaze again.

"What happened where you went?" Jester feels a pang in her heart for Yasha, left behind with people she hardly knows again, left behind and given no information when her sort of friends return, and she swallows down the tremble in her throat that rises at how soft Yasha's voice has become.

"Well, we got stuck in a room with statues that shot out different stuff, then we were in a big study with lots of books, and then we followed Fjord through a window into a dragon's lair," and she blinks back sudden tears when her voice hitches but pushes past it, "and then we figured out how to connect back to the sphere, sort of, and then we came back!" She smiles harder up at Yasha, trying to act like it was an exciting adventure they went on, but the other woman just crosses her arms over her chest and frowns slightly.

"Why did you all come back at different times?" Yasha asks it bluntly and Jester grits her teeth against a sob that suddenly builds up in her chest, swallows it back down and digs her claws into her own hands so she does not break.

"Well, we were fighting the dragon. It took some of us longer than others to get away. But we all made it back! So everything turned out okay." She shrugs up at the other woman and keeps smiling, tightens her tail further around her leg and rocks back on her heels slightly just to move.

"I see." A long, drawn out silence between falls between them, and normally Jester would want to try to find out more about Yasha or just fill the air with stories, but she feels so heavy from the nightmare that woke her earlier and the nightmare that she lived yesterday that she just lets the awkwardness sit until Yasha breaks it. "I'm sorry." 

Jester blinks hard and cocks her head to the side, opens her mouth to ask why, but Yasha just steps around her and walks away, back towards the quarters, and Jester feels that sob bubbling up into her throat now. She darts towards the bow of the ship, as far away from the crew on deck as she can, and forces herself to take deep breaths, to push down the emotions threatening to take over. It's only a few minutes until Jester starts to see the first hint of the sun cresting the horizon, and she focuses on it, keeps willing the turmoil to dissipate, but every time she blinks she sees teeth, claws, lightning, all coming for her, and she has to start her breathing over again.

It's around that time that she also hears footsteps approaching, bare feet scuffing worn planks, and Jester quickly starts to affix a smile to her face again.

"Jessie," Beau's voice is sleep hoarse and a little confused, and Jester thinks it will break her, "what's going on? You okay?"

"Yeah, Beau, i'm all good. Just went to bed early yesterday is all, so now i'm up early. Go back to sleep." She keeps her voice light, airy, sounds surprisingly convincing to her own ears, and Jester throws up a quick prayer that her friend believes her.

"Uh-huh, sure. And that's why Yasha came to get me just now, saying something about tiefling tails and tells?" Beau sounds skeptical now, and Jester hears her feet brushing the deck as she steps closer, curls her hands tightly around the rail of the ship and stares at the dawn like it's going to fix everything.

"I don't know. She must be thinking of Molly," and the name scrapes out of her throat like an uncut gem, "but not all tieflings are the same, you know." The lie burns, white hot like the sun in Jester's eyes, but she can't look away, can't glance back, because if she sees Beau she doesn't know if she can hold on.

"Jess," Beau settles her warm palm on Jester's shoulder, then, and suddenly she feels the weight of the past 24 hours sink down sharply, "talk to me. Please."

Jester unravels, the cord of tension snapped from the heaviness dragging her down.

"Not here," she grits out between her teeth, pulling away from Beau and running for their room, one hand over her mouth to try to stop the onslaught of tears that are burning her eyes. Feet pound quickly behind her, Beau on her heels as Jester barrels into their room, and barely makes it to the closest bed before her knees give out.

"Jester, hey, talk to me! Are you okay?" The door slams behind her as Jester collapses onto the bed, Beau's voice high with panic, and Jester wants to scream. She chokes on it, this sudden rage in her chest, chokes on it and bites her tongue so sharply that the taste of copper fills her mouth instantly. She curls a hand in the blanket in front of her, hears her nails catch and tear it, and forces out a breath instead.

"Of course i'm okay, Beau," she doesn't even recognize her voice, has to double check that she's not slipping into Infernal as she lets the rest of the lie slip out, "just more tired than I thought, I guess." 

"Jessie, you're scaring me, what's going on?" Beau's warm hand settles on her shoulder again, her voice full of concern, and Jester-

Jester breaks.

"I'm scaring you?! Beau, I almost-I almost-" she's choking on it again, the scream, rage burning up her throat, "I almost died, and they left me!" She bursts into tears as she finally spits it out, buries her face in the blanket and bares her fangs and tries to muffle the ugly sounds spilling from her chest.

Jester never knew she was an angry crier until now.

It isn't just the anger, although that makes up a decent amount. It's also fear, thick like molasses in her stomach, and grief, weighing her body down like gravity has strengthened, and homesickness, bone deep and in her core. She curls up as small as she can and tries not to shake apart as this wave of emotions comes pouring out, sobs tearing out of her chest and forcing their way out her mouth, snot making it hard to breathe through her nose and tears burning tracks down her face. 

There's a dip in the bed behind her, a long line of warmth against her back and an arm curling around her waist and a voice in her ear, but Jester can only focus on trying to hold herself together before she flies apart.

Beau holds her, as she cries and shakes and rips holes in the thin blanket with her claws, holds her as the tears slowly dry up and the tremors leave, holds her until Jester can finally breathe again. When Jester finally opens her eyes she sees a small cloud form in front of her mouth, and she realizes that the room is cold around them, small crystals of frost on the edge of the blanket.

"Jessie?" Beau's voice is soft, cracking slightly before the other woman clears her throat, and Jester doesn't think before reaching down for the hand on her stomach and squeezing it clumsily; Beau's skin is cooler than normal, and Jester instinctively wraps her tail back over her friend's waist.

"Yeah, Beau?" She sniffles and reaches her other hand up to start scrubbing at her face, feels dried dirt and blood from last night smear with the tears and has to take a deep breath to come back from the ledge she suddenly finds herself teetering on again.

"Do you want to talk about it now?" Beau's voice is a little nervous, and Jester has to bite back her first remark, keeps trying to wipe her face instead and carefully shakes her head.

"No, it's okay. But thank you." It sounds almost normal, coming out of her mouth, and Jester even squeezes her friend's hand as she says it, trying to convince them both of her words.

"You lying to me again?" It's a gentle accusation, but still one nonetheless; Beau presses her mouth to Jester's jaw, and tears sting her eyes at the softness of the gesture.

"Yes," the admission slips out of Jester without her realizing it, and then she can only follow through, "but please don't tell the others. I have to be okay for them. I have to."

"Jester, no," and Beau presses another kiss to her skin, tightens her arm around her waist and sounds stricken in Jester's ear, "gods, is that what you think? You don't-"

"Yes, I do, and we both know it." Jester tries to be gentle when she interrupts, but she's so tired, and if Beau is going to make her tell the truth then she's going to tell all of it. "I almost died, and they left me, and that's okay. I have to be okay. We all made it out alive. That's enough."

"Why do you have to be okay, though?" Beau squeezes her hand before letting go and shifting behind her, shaking her shoulder gently. "Look at me, please, Jess, and talk to me." Jester takes a deep breath and rolls onto her back, looking up at Beau as her friend sits up. 

"Because no one else can all the time." She locks eyes with Beau as she says it, watches the human look over the mess on her face that she only imagine, watches the way a series of complicated emotions flicker across her expressions until only regret is left. "I'm the only one of us who is always happy and always okay. If i'm not, then who's going to make everyone else feel better?"

"We really did that to you, huh?" Beau's voice is flat, almost disbelieving, and Jester frowns up at her, shrugs and reaches out for one of her hands, already missing the contact and trying to sidestep the subject.

"I mean, you didn't mean to leave us behind yesterday. We didn't know what that sphere did. That wasn't your fault." Jester means it completely, squeezes Beau's fingers and tries to convey nothing but sincerity, feels relief surge through her body when her friend's shoulders relax a little above her.

"I didn't, you're right. I'm glad you realized that," Beau flashes her a crooked smile and squeezes her fingers back before pushing on, "but that's not what i'm talking about."

"I know. But I'm not-I don't want to talk about that. Please." Her voice comes out smaller than Jester meant, and she has to swallow back the hot threat of tears again as she stares up at Beau. There's another war of emotions on the other woman's face, but eventually a softness takes over her features.

"Okay." She runs her free hand over Jester's hair as she says it, and the gentleness feels so bizarrely wonderful that she nudges into it without thinking. Beau repeats the motion immediately and offers her a crooked smile, voice taking on a gently teasing quality. "You look more tired than I feel. Should probably get some more sleep." Jester is startled by the laugh that tumbles out of her mouth, and it's brief but real; Beau's eyes light up and relief paints itself loudly over her face when she hears it

"Yeah, okay. Will you, um," and it's embarrassment that takes hold now, heavy in her gut alongside the exhaustion weighing her body down as she stares up at Beau, "will you stay with me?" She watches her friend's features soften further as she nods, and Beau lets go of her hand to lay back down, stretching out on her side as Jester shifts to face her. "And Beau?"

"Yeah, Jessie?" Beau reaches up to slide her fingers through Jester's hair again, carefully avoiding a knot, and Jester has to swallow down the ache in her throat at the gentleness in her voice and eyes.

"Promise you won't tell the others? I don't-I don't want them worrying about me." She can't look away from her friend's piercing gaze, so close to hers, and settles a hand on Beau's waist to ground herself further with touch. Relief seeps into her bones as the other woman nods slowly, body sagging against the bed further.

"Yeah, okay. But only if you promise to talk to me." Jester nods immediately, squeezes's Beau's waist gently and nudges into the hand that settles on her cheek, a small smile tugging at her mouth.

"I promise. I'll try to be better about that." Beau nods back at her and smiles crookedly before rolling onto her back and pulling; Jester lets herself be moved, presses up against Beau's side and wraps an arm over her waist as she's tucked under her friend's arm. 

Beau's arms are warm, and her cheek is soft where Jester leans up to kiss it. It's a gentle brush of her lips that catches Beau near the corner of her mouth as she starts to turn her head, and Jester is too tired to parse the soft sound that her friend lets out, just settles her head carefully on her shoulder so her horn doesn't scratch her. Beau squeezes her a little closer after a moment and brings her other hand up to cradle the back of Jester's head, sighing softly and relaxing further under her.

Jester lets the exhaustion blooming thick take her, then, held by her best friend and knowing that she is safe.

For the first time in weeks she does not dream.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!
> 
> Title is from "Drown" by Seafret, which I think is pretty fiting for this whole arc so far.
> 
> If you'd like to, you can come find me and talk to me on [tumblr](https://lovewithagirl.tumblr.com/) and [twitter!](https://twitter.com/daleytwin2/)


End file.
